Effing Dykes Offers: Exactly What Lies Below (Her Nails) | Autostraddle

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Krista

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Hiya lezzers!

I’ve had gotten marshmallows and gluten-free graham crackers, so…

WHO WANTS TO NOTICE A SCARY STORY??

MWAH





HA HAHAHAHA!

Get pal. Every person got the buddy? Good. Hold on fast to your buddy’s hand.

‘Cause this might be a true story.

Ahem.

A Long Time Ago, once I had been very newly homosexual I Did Not even understand I Found Myself newly homosexual…

An find older lesbian at now-defunct queer bar labeled as


Za’s


in Green Bay, Wisconsin

(I happened to be totally just there to dance)


gave me some guidance:

1)


Never start a combined bank checking account together with your lover



2)


Cannot fake sexual climaxes



3)


Make sure a lady’s nails are thoroughly clean.

The smart lesbian was in the woman late 40’s, an age group so far from my personal 19-years-old-with-a-fake-ID self that I couldn’t even picture just what it should be want to be therefore old.

Just how sad, I Was Thinking. Right here she actually is at a bar and she actually is outdated. I hope I do not end lonely like the lady.

Is not it fun to be the biggest market of your own universe?

What a tiny bit shit I happened to be.

For reasons uknown, however, we was presented with from

Za’s


that night duplicating the woman three principles to my self.

While I woke upwards, I was thinking of these.

It actually was a lot like into the Silver Chair, when Polly and Eustace Scrubb are billed by Aslan to keep in mind The indications.


You should not behave like that you do not re-read your own Narnia boxed-set one or more times a year.

Anyhow! over time, I always recalled the 3 existence lessons the lesbian had taught me. Her advice made good sense.

We never unwrapped a shared bank account with any person.

We never faked sexual climaxes again following the first few occasions I did it, recognizing I became, in fact, dooming myself to a continuous cycle of shitty gender by satisfying bad overall performance using my whines of “ecstasy.”

And I also constantly covertly examined a lady’s nails before I slept together with her.

Brief? Check.

No scratchy sides? Always Check.

Clean? It Is search time.

But the reason why, sluts?


What’s the big issue about fingernails?


What is actually because of the short-nailed lesbian jokes? Just What?

I am talking about, alright, I have it. Its more difficult to shag with very long nails. You could perhaps puncture a lung or something like that.

But it is not impossible. I have had long nails before for burlesque shows; screwin’ with ‘em isn’t all of that hard — you merely always make use of the pads of hands.

So why had been that lesbian thus emphatic about thoroughly clean nails?

All of you, she was



SO. EMPHATIC.

I decided to complete some debunking.

Without doubt nothing could truly happen to you should you decide got screwed by someone with dirty fingernails.

And then I remembered an account so horrible I’d almost overlooked it.

Homos.

Terrible crap can occur.

This horror story pertains to united states thanks to my personal good-looking pal ”


Cai



,” who has got seen even more pussy in heat than a kitty clinic on 100 % free Spay Day.

Ok.

Cai


was at Miami when she met a very hot femme we’re going to phone


Katie.

Katie


smelled like glucose snacks cooking, wore a leopard-print bikini, had massive silver hoops that shimmered for the light, and also had one of the best asses


Cai


had actually ever viewed.

She covertly texted myself a picture of

Katie

in the pool so she could brag, and I also texted straight back,


“i’d hit that till my hand dropped off.”

Very, yes,


Katie.

Cai


took


Katie


home that night. There have been some major ingesting.

While getting undressed


Katie


within the half-light,


Cai


watched one thing she hadn’t actually observed before:



Katie had cool nails.

In fact,




Katie




had an extended, rhinestone-tipped French manicure. Juuuust like Rihanna.

Cai


cannot stop the psychological picture of these nails clawing down the woman straight back while she fucked


Katie


, thus animalistic gender commenced.

Cai


even leave

Katie


screw the lady, even though she typically never ever lets anyone accomplish that. Just what hell, she realized. Heading residence the next day. Never see this lady again. I can get topped for every night.

Why don’t we fast-forward a couple weeks, shall we?

One thing ended up being incorrect with


Cai’s


“area.”

Seriously, honestly completely wrong. It itched. It burnt.

Some, um, greenish-yellowish stuff was oozing from it. And when we state some I mean extreme. quantities. of. pus.

Cai


would not visit the lady-doctor.

Because getting supportive is what friendship is focused on, when she said, I stated,


“So you ultimately got the clap. Whorebag.”

Cai


laughed nervously. She moved home, googled “the clap” and became believing that she did, certainly have gonorrhea. She decided to go, for the first time ever


(she was actually 28),


to our queer-friendly community gyno hospital.

They failed to understand what ended up being completely wrong with her.

They tried their for gonorrhea. They tried for syphilis, herpes, HPV, chlamydia, the really works. Nothing.

Cai


was at some discomfort. She required answers. She had been getting the


‘pus’


in


“pussy”


for pretty much four weeks now.

So that they provided the girl an ultrasound.

AND MIGHT YOU GUESS WHAT THEY FOUND.

Vaginal tears. All around the within the woman vag.

A significant load of rips.

Cai


were ripped to shreds. The woman insides had been clinging in ribbons. Looked like crepe paper birthday designs in there.

And every thing – every finally inches – was actually contaminated.

It would seem that after Katie utilized the woman fantastic lengthy fingernails provide

Cai


a strenuous drunk-fuck, no person understood that the woman fingernails were additionally a festering breeding floor for



bacterial vaginosis

.

Brilliant.

Cai


claims to being a stone-cold top since.

My personal companion wikipedia states you will get terrible bacterial infections from dirty fingernails. Evidently, discover occasionally staphylococcus bacteria hangin’ out, which might trigger everything from skin boils to motherfucking meningitis.

And guess what more?

Pinworm eggs.

S’all I’m gonna state.

That smart lesbian was actually spot-on together life lessons.

Never ever open up a shared bank account along with your enthusiast.

Never phony sexual climaxes.

And holy mother of god, see a new technique’s fingernails before fucking.

Or you are doomed to experience the fate of Cai.

THE FINISH

I have to wonder, however…

Have of y’all previously gotten something horrible from another women’s hands?

Or heard of an individual who did?

Or is this mainly



(‘cept for Cai)



a lesbian urban myth?

My hands are inching towards travel-sized Purell container.

I would like answers.